XOXO: A Survivor by Skylar Harris

This semester, the senior Eagle staff members were asked to compose a personal memoir as a feature for the paper.  The purpose is to showcase writing and to provide a little self-reflection and insight into growth here at LCCTC.  
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“Who is that person looking back at me?” I ask myself as I stare in the mirror. I wake up at the same time, in the same place, and in the same body. My name is Skylar Harris, this story you’ll be reading is about my struggle with self-love.

• The first step to admitting you have a problem is to realize you have problem.

It started back in my first year of high school; I remember that day like it was yesterday. 

I recall stepping off the bus accepting a new place into my life as I walked through the big doors of my new school. I had no idea where I was supposed to go, so I just walked to shop. I sat by myself at a random desk watching the kids pile in the classroom sitting around me like I wasn’t even there. As the day went on and on, I watched all the girls around me laughed with their friends. As I go back to that day, all I remember seeing is how pretty they all were. I walked through the hallways looking at every pretty person who walked by me, and I asked myself,” Why don’t I look like that?”. I went home every day after school and stared in the mirror asking myself, "Why I couldn’t look like them?" and I hated myself every day after that.

I hated my hair, my eyes, my nose, my very soul.

I tried to stop looking and thinking about myself in such a negative way; nobody could understand how hard it was to go on everyday looking at people and wondering why I was born this way. I slowly realized that I had a problem and that I needed help, but  I was too ashamed to ask for it.

• The second step to admitting you have a problem is to hope it will fix itself.

Every time I went to sleep, I prayed to God that I would wake up cured -- that this problem I have would just disappear, but it never did. I slowly became bitter and stopped caring about anything I did. I stopped caring about the people who loved me most. I began to shut down and shut out the world. Slowly, I started becoming someone I didn’t want to know, somebody nobody wanted to know.

• The third step to admitting you have a problem is accepting that you have problem.

On the morning of my senior year of high school, I woke up and told myself, “You are beautiful and you will always beautiful.” I styled my hair differently, I put on new jeans that flattered my body correctly, I ate something that made me happy, and went about my day forcing myself to be happy. All summer I did what made me feel good, I accepted that I had a problem, and I learned to cope with it. I found out nobody can make my problem go away. I may never get rid of the problem that I have, and I’ve accepted that. This journey has taught me that the struggles in life will only prepare me for things that will come along and hit me where it hurt. I tell myself everyday that it’s either sink or swim. Nobody's gonna' toss me a floatie.

• The last step to admitting you have problem is to help others like you.

I know everyone deals with things differently and everyone has different problems. I know that there are people who struggle with this problem just like I do. I want to tell you I’m here, and believe me, it gets better. You are beautiful as you are because there is nobody out there like you. Surround yourself with people who care about you, treat yourself every once in a while, and most importantly, love yourself for who you are and not for who you aren’t. I leave you with this: loving yourself is the hardest thing you’ll ever do in life.

XOXO,

    A Survivor

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